Question: A friend gave me a subscription to a magazine I don’t care for. When I canceled after one issue, the magazine sent the refund to Gretchen. I don’t want to seem small, but especially since I’d given her a nice present, shouldn’t Gretchen have given that money –- or another gift –- to me?

Answer: Call us unsentimental, but gift-giving is a transaction as well as a pleasure. And, usually, part of the deal is that the presents don’t just go one way. Reciprocation of some type isn’t only gracious, it’s required. So had your friend, say, accidentally left a gift intended for you behind on a train or ordered something for you that never arrived, she’d still owe you one. Bad luck and good intentions don’t wash away obligation.
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by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: Years ago, my mother-in-law gave my husband and me a pair of paintings of Tim’s great-grandparents. They hang in our home, and we love them. But now Grace wants the paintings back so she can give them to the local historical society, which is celebrating its centennial. What should we do?

Answer: Take a few deep breaths and tell her no. Just because something is a family heirloom doesn’t mean the person who once owned it continues to have a claim on it after it’s been handed down a generation. Rather, it’s the property of the new owner, whose only obligation is to respect its heritage. So unless Grace told you when she dropped off the paintings that she was lending and not giving them to you, they’re yours to enjoy, not hers to enjoy giving away a second time.

We know: It’s your mother-in-law, and saying no isn’t easy. So here’s an approach to consider. Have Tim tell his mother that you treasure the family portraits too much to let them go, but that you’d love to lend them to the historical society for its centennial. In dealing with the organization, though, be certain to make all the arrangements yourself. Given your mother-in-law’s weak grasp of the concept of ownership, the last thing you want is for her name to be on the paperwork at the historical society or for anyone there to assume the portraits are to be returned to her.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.

by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: Is there anything wrong with asking family members to give me money for my birthday instead of sweaters I don't care for, food I don't want and gift cards to stores where I don't shop? I don't mean to sound unappreciative, but at my age (35), I'd really rather just have the money and buy things I like.

Our answer: As that eminent ethicist Mick Jagger once observed, you can't always get what you want.

Unless, say, you plan to ask your doting grandmother who's living on Social Security to write you a four-digit check, there's nothing unethical about telling someone you prefer money over any other gift. But that still doesn't make it a nice thing to do.

You appear to believe the chief function of a gift is to provide you with what you want most. Often, however, gifts are intended mainly to express affection, to honor the relationship the gift giver has with you and to share the gift giver's taste. While the folks who give you presents no doubt hope to please you, it's unlikely they think of the occasion as a great opportunity to transfer money from their bank account to yours. What's more, they probably realize that in order not to disappoint the recipient, checks need to be for a greater amount than they'd ordinarily spend on a gift or even a gift card.

Our advice? You're an adult, not a kid saving for college or a new computer. So unless someone very close specifically asks you what's on your wish list, don't announce that what you're looking for is cold, hard cash. After all, you don't want your relatives to think you have a cold, hard heart.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of the upcoming book “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.