When siblings split the bills

They live as best as they can on social security and whatever else they have. If their children want to help out, that's up to them. If they do decide to split the cost, how many kids a sibling has should not make a difference on how much they contribute.

Other posters have stated they would take a job at Walmart or whatever before taking from their children, BUT remember: they are 85. They should not have been in equities at 85, this talk should have come sooner, but now it is to late. If one of the kids lives nearby and takes care of them, that should be their part, with the other two paying equally to supplement the parents' income. If need be, they should downsize the family home or get a reverse mortgage.

As I read this, I was wondering what I would do since my sibling was favored by our parents even into adulthood with $ and material goods. My mom felt my wife and I had lots of money and no children. It was painful even at middle age when Christmas came and my sibling got a car and I got a coat from a factory outlet. Their car was falling apart. My mom even asked me to help with their kids' university tuition (to split it with mom). My BIL got a new Harley while my mom paid the tuition. Anyway, you can see how I would have to consider if the aid was subsistance or luxurious.

Unfortunately, many parents don't think like David in DC does. They figure that their children are there just for that reason – to take care of them when they get old. And of course, we oblige to the best of our ability because they are our parents.

That being said – it's important for adult children to make sure that what their parents have worked for goes toward helping care for them. It's not fair for the children to shoulder that burden alone; whatever the parents earned along the line needs to be put into the kitty, too. And now more than ever it's important for adult children to help their elderly parents keep an eye on their credit, too. Just because someone is retired doesn't mean that their good name is retired too.

Between the 3 of you, you should be able help your parents in a way that's fair. Get your parents on a budget..go over their expenses with a fine tooth comb…downsize them if possible, even if it means getting them an apartment. If one of you has more money, maybe that person can contribute more. Have in writing the percentage that each of you is contributing, so when your parents pass, you should get that percentage of what's left. Do what you can without jeopordizing your own economic situation and being able to care for YOUR OWN family. How could they have lost $ in the stock market unless they sold low… get their money into something safe.

I am not sure that the correspondent and her sisters "have to," split the bills (or even pay a dime on them)….that is a choice, not an obligation.

Certainly a frank and open discussion will be a start. However, an even split of value (which takes into account intangibles such as extra help, lifts to the market, and so on – that one sibling may be providing) as opposed to just an even split of $ needed would cover most situations.

By the way, none of this should argue the spendthrift parents should continue their lavish lifestyle (if it is). Just as the daughters must adjust their lifestyle to the parent's expenses, so should the parents to the kids' legitimate ability to pay (whilst still providing for their own familys' welfare).

As far as who has kids and who has not: your choice to have them; and not your empty-nested sister's responsiblity. Thus, taking children into account is an absolute non-sequitor.

For the sake of salvaging the sibling relationship and no disrespect to your parents, you need to evaluate every aspect and every financial resource available. This could put one of you in financial distress. If [your parents] own property, look at selling and downsizing; there must be social security, look at their expenses and needs. It's already evident if you're asking that the siblings are going to have some issues arise.

While it is too late for these people, everyone reading this should learn from their mistake. Elderly people should not have their savings invested in the stock market. Younger retirees should have only a small portion of their money in the market. As has been suggested, if they own their home, a reverse mortgage might do the trick. They must be getting social security. Do they also have pension income? Perhaps their income from various sources will cover the necessities and the siblings can just take turns treating the parents to a night out now and then.

My father passed several years ago. Mother is 86. She has had several health issues but is now stable and doing well. My husband and I turned property that we had into a small house for her with all her "stuff". She seems very happy with being closer to her children now. The problem is, my other siblings (3) think we are taking advantage of her by taking "rent money" from her each month. They think because we had this property, we ought to furnish everything to her free of charge…because "she's your mother"!!
We pay the taxes, utilities, take her on her errands, etc. She just pays a flat fee. It doesn't cover everything (what she pays per month — but it's what she can afford and she wants to pay her way), but we don't mind. It's a joy for me to care for my mother because she took good care of us growing up and I don't look on it as a burden. I think my siblings think we are "making money" off taking care of her because we tend to do things ourselves (we are in the housing business). I don't know how to handle their "remarks" at times so I just do the best I can and let it roll off my back.

Will,
That is very sad that your mother lives penniless. It's tragic that she doesn't have a son willing to take care of her.

david in dc nailed it.

I managed my mom's money for years. I told my sibling sisters I would pay all my mom's expenses until her death if her money ran out. The only condition was that if I spent money in excess of her insurance that her small insurance policy should be passed on to me. They refused. Now my mother is in a home, penniless and is supported by the state. How sad, when I could be providing proper healthcare in a better/nicer facility.

My paternal grandfather stole all of my father's savings for college and lost it all gambling. Hearing my father talk about how hurt he was and then had to start saving for college all over again has helped me understand what is and is not acceptable for parents to do.

My parents put me through undergrad and are loaning me money for graduate school since student loans were almost 7% interest.

I would care for them the best way I could. For 99.9% of the population, we all have to make sacrifices.

Make the kids choose a favorite sport/activity instead of having them in year round activities. Cut out the non-essentials like going to the movies or eating out until it's needed.

The previous comment about vacation and other non-essentials, those things need to go away to pay the bills.

Life is hard, choose wisely.

Dividing up responsibility based on ability to pay will lead to LOTS of hurt feelings. Everybody will feel like their burden is too much, and this will probably lead to trouble.

I'd suggest splitting it evenly.

Regarding the comment "given that some of us have more money and some of us have more kids" — Why would the number of kids you have play into this equation? It always astonishes me when people think they are entitled to balance the responsibility equation by saying "we have more kids." THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE. Just because your siblings didn't choose to have as many (or any at all) should not cause them to automatically shoulder more of the financial burden.

What a novel idea: honesty, and full disclosure. This may be the best advice I have ever seen online – and I'm not being sarcastic.
Putting everything on the table so everyone can see it, is the only way you'll be able to do anything remotely fair. It will get ugly though…

What happened happened. Now is not the time to second guess investment choices. Nobody is so clever that they can guarantee their future. I am sure these parents had no intention of burdening their children. If they own a home they may qualify for a reverse mortgage which could help tremendously. If not, short of throwing them out on the street,the children do need to have a heart to heart both amongst themselves and with their parents. The author of the original piece is correct…children who are caretakers are carrying a heavy burden and those who can afford to may need to step up to the plate more than those less able. The point is that everyone gets on the same page and that nobody carries a grudge when all is said and done. Unless this happens, the worst will… the children will feel animosity towards one another and that is the worst legacy a parent can leave.

From my experience with elderly parents, I would want to sit down and look at everything, including where their monthly income is going, and set up a budget, before I would help out or ask a sibling for money. In our case, there wasn't enough money for much needed dental work and auto repairs, but there was enough for two timeshares and a month long vacation in Florida.

Better ask the questions sooner than later. Lost both of my parents in eight days…..they seemed to have their stuff in order, but because things happened so quickly and unexpectedly, we lost out Dad's retirement to the State because no one thought to ask about beneficiaries for his retirement….. This was an expensive lesson and one we can't do anything about… ASK NOW AND HAVE THE FRANK DISCUSSION. FIND OUT WHERE THINGS STAND….BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Sorry to hear they lost their retirement money…it happens to people.

My parents put everything they could in our upbringing and education. Although it will be an uncomfortable transition for all, one of us will invite our parents to move in while the other siblings contribute monetarily.

My siblings and I were raised by loving parents and fighting amongst ourselves about money won't solve anything. Having an honest discussion about finances with a third party (a relative/authority figure) would help move our conversation along and settle things fairly.

I agree with David of DC.

I am sorry that these people lost their retirement in the crash, but what were they speculating in? As for myself, I would sell everything I own and be a bag boy at Safeway before I ever burdened my family. I was put on this planet to care for those after me, not to groom them to take care of me in the future.

Pretty poor advice considering they obviously couldn't have a discussion previously……"the market wiped out"….what exactly were they invested in? And why weren't these children asking questions long ago? If the parents are too old to work again then someone better step up and invite them to move in with their family….sell the house and use that money for expenses.

I don't want my kids putting up money for me when I'm old….I would think that they should ask the parents first what they would like done? Personally, I'd get a job at Walmart and spend my time drinking lemonade on my porch before I'd have my kids supporting me.