Comments on: Paying for your partner’s divorce http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/ Money Magazine looks at a wide range of personal finance issues and asks for your feedback. Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:11:16 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Jim, Fort Worth TX http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-15840 Jim, Fort Worth TX Wed, 20 May 2009 14:49:11 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-15840 Forget the ethics of whether or not its right. The real question is, why is she in love with a deadbeat. If he was any kind of man he wouldn't be asking her to pay for this, he'd have enough resources of his own. Or even if he didn't, he wouldn't try to pull a harebrained scheme like getting the other woman to pay for the divorce! What's going to happen when he has to pay for the wedding, the next house, his next car, he's just going to keep singing the Deadbeat's Refrain (I don't have it, I don't have it ...) Dump this guy now or you're paying his bills forevermore. Forget the ethics of whether or not its right. The real question is, why is she in love with a deadbeat. If he was any kind of man he wouldn't be asking her to pay for this, he'd have enough resources of his own. Or even if he didn't, he wouldn't try to pull a harebrained scheme like getting the other woman to pay for the divorce! What's going to happen when he has to pay for the wedding, the next house, his next car, he's just going to keep singing the Deadbeat's Refrain (I don't have it, I don't have it …) Dump this guy now or you're paying his bills forevermore.

]]> By: Sue, Tucson, AZ http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-15513 Sue, Tucson, AZ Fri, 08 May 2009 13:02:50 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-15513 I think he's more interested in your wallet than in you. You might want to reconsider the wisdom of this decision and remember "once a cheat, always a cheat". He cheated on his WIFE and kids with YOU...what's going to keep him from doing the same thing to you, once he's spent all your money (that you appear to be way too generous with)? I think he's more interested in your wallet than in you. You might want to reconsider the wisdom of this decision and remember "once a cheat, always a cheat". He cheated on his WIFE and kids with YOU…what's going to keep him from doing the same thing to you, once he's spent all your money (that you appear to be way too generous with)?

]]> By: Bob, Chicago http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-15221 Bob, Chicago Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:08:53 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-15221 Don't be a bonehead. He doesn't want a divorce - he wants to keep sleeping with you and will tell you anything you want to hear, such as "I want a divorce, I just can't afford it" to keep you happy. He's lying to you, just like he's lying to his wife. Don't be a bonehead.
He doesn't want a divorce – he wants to keep sleeping with you and will tell you anything you want to hear, such as "I want a divorce, I just can't afford it" to keep you happy.
He's lying to you, just like he's lying to his wife.

]]> By: Tom, Portland ME http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14505 Tom, Portland ME Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:09:37 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14505 If she wants to, she can help him pay for the divorce - AFTER he's divorced... If she wants to, she can help him pay for the divorce – AFTER he's divorced…

]]> By: Tunatofu, Washington DC http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14483 Tunatofu, Washington DC Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:06:57 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14483 OK let's skip the touchy feely stuff about "ethics." There is a possibility that the guy is in fact SHOPPING for a sugar mama to pay the big bucks for his divorce! Sadly there are people who seek partners with money, health or dental insurance (I know a woman who became a "domestic partner" specifically to get her back surgery paid for by the new BF's health insurance). There are people who want a divorce from a marginal spouse who seek a "new" person to fight the legal, mental, emotional battles to help them get out from under the spouse because they cant/wont/dont want to handle the messy process themselves. If the guy wants a divorce, fine, he should have one. But the saying "if you want to do it you gotta go through it" for sex and marriage also holds true for divorce. You can't outsource it! If he wants it, he needs to do it himself...INCLUDING the financial part of paying for it himself. OK let's skip the touchy feely stuff about "ethics." There is a possibility that the guy is in fact SHOPPING for a sugar mama to pay the big bucks for his divorce! Sadly there are people who seek partners with money, health or dental insurance (I know a woman who became a "domestic partner" specifically to get her back surgery paid for by the new BF's health insurance). There are people who want a divorce from a marginal spouse who seek a "new" person to fight the legal, mental, emotional battles to help them get out from under the spouse because they cant/wont/dont want to handle the messy process themselves.

If the guy wants a divorce, fine, he should have one. But the saying "if you want to do it you gotta go through it" for sex and marriage also holds true for divorce. You can't outsource it! If he wants it, he needs to do it himself…INCLUDING the financial part of paying for it himself.

]]> By: Melanie, Houston, Tx http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14468 Melanie, Houston, Tx Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:39:32 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14468 Right now you are blinded by love and not thinking with your head. If he wanted to divorce his wife, then he'd have already done it. He's basically stringing you along and you're allowing it to happen. So much so, that you are actually considering using YOUR own money to help him out with HIS divorce. If he says that he can't afford the divorce and that he's going to get smacked with a huge child support, then you better do some more thinking because it sounds like you'll also be helping to pay for his child support. And what will you do when you find out he's cheating on you? I've never trusted anyone who has an affair because they are likely to do it again. Right now you are blinded by love and not thinking with your head. If he wanted to divorce his wife, then he'd have already done it. He's basically stringing you along and you're allowing it to happen. So much so, that you are actually considering using YOUR own money to help him out with HIS divorce. If he says that he can't afford the divorce and that he's going to get smacked with a huge child support, then you better do some more thinking because it sounds like you'll also be helping to pay for his child support. And what will you do when you find out he's cheating on you? I've never trusted anyone who has an affair because they are likely to do it again.

]]> By: Robin Cocoa Beach, FL http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14272 Robin Cocoa Beach, FL Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:42:10 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14272 Danny might just take your money and then the divorce will never happen. Even if it does, he will probably get his next girlfriend to pay for his divorce from you... Danny might just take your money and then the divorce will never happen. Even if it does, he will probably get his next girlfriend to pay for his divorce from you…

]]> By: Matthew Bevans, Honolulu HI http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14268 Matthew Bevans, Honolulu HI Fri, 03 Apr 2009 06:16:32 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14268 Personally I think those that commit affairs should not be entitled to anything in a divorce. [What they've done] is completely wrong. Personally I think those that commit affairs should not be entitled to anything in a divorce. [What they've done] is completely wrong.

]]> By: Trebec, Brookline, Ma http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14266 Trebec, Brookline, Ma Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:05:55 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14266 How about this question: Is this right for the children? Not, let's forget about the children (how sad). Leave him alone: If he loves you as much as you say, he will [take care of paying for] the divorce himself. Corny as it sounds: Love knows no barriers. How about this question:
Is this right for the children?
Not, let's forget about the children (how sad).
Leave him alone: If he loves you as much as you say, he will [take care of paying for] the divorce himself.
Corny as it sounds: Love knows no barriers.

]]> By: Ron, Vienna, VA http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14261 Ron, Vienna, VA Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:18:46 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14261 I'm a divorce attorney. This happens a lot more than you'd think. My response is that if he genuinely wants to leave his wife, let him begin the process of doing so. Child support is variable by state; they all have different guidelines. The reasons he's given are insufficient if he really wants out. Story from before I started practicing: boss and employee were having affair. Was quiet for a while, then came out. Parties decide to leave respective spouses for each other; wife leaves husband for boss, boss decides that he's got too much invested (it is CA, and divorces are evil there) to leave. Besides, it's his 9th affair, and wife doesn't much care because she knows he won't leave. What would questioner here do if she put in all this money to front the divorce and husband then decides to reconcile and stay with wife? Ouch... In other words, don't do it. I'm a divorce attorney. This happens a lot more than you'd think. My response is that if he genuinely wants to leave his wife, let him begin the process of doing so. Child support is variable by state; they all have different guidelines. The reasons he's given are insufficient if he really wants out.

Story from before I started practicing: boss and employee were having affair. Was quiet for a while, then came out. Parties decide to leave respective spouses for each other; wife leaves husband for boss, boss decides that he's got too much invested (it is CA, and divorces are evil there) to leave. Besides, it's his 9th affair, and wife doesn't much care because she knows he won't leave.

What would questioner here do if she put in all this money to front the divorce and husband then decides to reconcile and stay with wife? Ouch…

In other words, don't do it.

]]> By: A MAN, anytown usa http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14260 A MAN, anytown usa Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:18:08 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14260 WOMEN, get this through your head. .... [A married boyfriend] does not want to leave his wife and then JUMP into the same thing with you. You are merely a plaything because his wife/kids/job etc. bore him. Others have played your role and will in the future. Wake up! WOMEN, get this through your head. …. [A married boyfriend] does not want to leave his wife and then JUMP into the same thing with you. You are merely a plaything because his wife/kids/job etc. bore him. Others have played your role and will in the future. Wake up!

]]> By: Josh, madison wi http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14259 Josh, madison wi Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:02:25 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14259 It doesn't matter, you are both going to hell anyway. It doesn't matter, you are both going to hell anyway.

]]> By: Davis, Rochester, MN http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14258 Davis, Rochester, MN Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:41:12 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14258 While we do not know all the specifics of the relationships involved, think about this. At some point in the relationship, Danny felt about his wife the way you think he feels about you now. But now he's cheating on her with you. You can expect him to cheat on you a few months or years down the road as well. Also consider this, if he wants you, he'll find a way to leave his wife. But take it from a man whose seen other men and women in this exact same scenario: If he hasn't asked you for the money, then he's just using it as an excuse to continue the affair until something better comes along, but he is NOT going to leave her. If he did actually ask you for the money, then it's a good bet he's scamming you. Either way, he isn't leaving her. She can't trust him now and you sure as heck won't be able to trust him 2 years from now. While we do not know all the specifics of the relationships involved, think about this. At some point in the relationship, Danny felt about his wife the way you think he feels about you now. But now he's cheating on her with you. You can expect him to cheat on you a few months or years down the road as well.

Also consider this, if he wants you, he'll find a way to leave his wife. But take it from a man whose seen other men and women in this exact same scenario: If he hasn't asked you for the money, then he's just using it as an excuse to continue the affair until something better comes along, but he is NOT going to leave her. If he did actually ask you for the money, then it's a good bet he's scamming you. Either way, he isn't leaving her.

She can't trust him now and you sure as heck won't be able to trust him 2 years from now.

]]> By: Dave, Parkersburg http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14257 Dave, Parkersburg Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:31:06 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14257 To Jim in Memphis: Applying your logic, attempting to impose a value system is "highly unethical." But you are trying to impose your value system by labeling others "highly unethical." Accordingly, you admit that your value system is highly unethical. To Jim in Memphis: Applying your logic, attempting to impose a value system is "highly unethical." But you are trying to impose your value system by labeling others "highly unethical." Accordingly, you admit that your value system is highly unethical.

]]> By: Mary, New York http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14256 Mary, New York Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:09:31 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14256 You are not Danny's "girlfried," but an adultress. What [he is doing to his wife now], he will be doing to you in the future. I can't believe that there are still women around like that who will subsidize and support such losers. You are not Danny's "girlfried," but an adultress. What [he is doing to his wife now], he will be doing to you in the future. I can't believe that there are still women around like that who will subsidize and support such losers.

]]> By: E, St. Louis, MO http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14255 E, St. Louis, MO Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:56:26 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14255 Yes, child support is meant to totally impoverish the noncustodial parent. I've seen it happen. I know a guy who makes 20K gross a year and he pays $666 a month for child support on 3 kids. He is about to go homeless because after taxes and child support, he can't even afford to rent a room in someone's home for real cheap. Yes, child support is meant to totally impoverish the noncustodial parent. I've seen it happen.

I know a guy who makes 20K gross a year and he pays $666 a month for child support on 3 kids. He is about to go homeless because after taxes and child support, he can't even afford to rent a room in someone's home for real cheap.

]]> By: Josh, Huntsville, AL http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14254 Josh, Huntsville, AL Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:32:19 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14254 Someone recently suggested that attempting to impose one's value system on another is unethical. This is called relative ethics, or ethical relativism. It is total crap. Someone recently suggested that attempting to impose one's value system on another is unethical. This is called relative ethics, or ethical relativism. It is total crap.

]]> By: Pat, Puget Sound, WA http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14253 Pat, Puget Sound, WA Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:43:07 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14253 Tony Smit in Austin said, "Huge child support payments? Child support is based on his income. They’re not going to impoverish him, just reduce his lifestyle, cut his cash flow. Is that why he wants out of the marriage, he hates spending money?" This is dependant upon the state. Iin my experience, child support is set such that it punishes the non-custodial parent and earns Federal Tax dollars for the state (you do realize that for every dollar a state collects, it is typically getting $2 of Federal money right?). For this reason when my wife and I divorced, we opted to not go through the state for child support and [instead] set reasonable dollar amounts relevant to actual costs based on care for the children, receipts, and amount of time spent with each of us. Additionally, there are states which do NOT care how much money the non-custodial parent makes. They have a scale which dictates the average median wage of a person of your age and gender and they force you to pay based on that wage or higher (if your actual wages are above the median for your age and gender). I was a stay at home father while attending school, yet due to my age I was expected to make at least $3000/month pre tax and was assessed at that rate - status as a stay at home parent and full-time college student did not matter. Tony Smit in Austin said, "Huge child support payments? Child support is based on his income. They’re not going to impoverish him, just reduce his lifestyle, cut his cash flow. Is that why he wants out of the marriage, he hates spending money?"

This is dependant upon the state. Iin my experience, child support is set such that it punishes the non-custodial parent and earns Federal Tax dollars for the state (you do realize that for every dollar a state collects, it is typically getting $2 of Federal money right?). For this reason when my wife and I divorced, we opted to not go through the state for child support and [instead] set reasonable dollar amounts relevant to actual costs based on care for the children, receipts, and amount of time spent with each of us.

Additionally, there are states which do NOT care how much money the non-custodial parent makes. They have a scale which dictates the average median wage of a person of your age and gender and they force you to pay based on that wage or higher (if your actual wages are above the median for your age and gender). I was a stay at home father while attending school, yet due to my age I was expected to make at least $3000/month pre tax and was assessed at that rate – status as a stay at home parent and full-time college student did not matter.

]]> By: Dattu, Burlington MA http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14252 Dattu, Burlington MA Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:37:11 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14252 I would like to add to my previous comments that after all helping him is not that bad an idea. At least it will give the opportunity to his wife and kids to live a good life. The more mess both of you create in the divorce process, that much more beautiful life his wife and kid will live. Both of you will live a loser’s life and the kid will suffer. I know a couple who have been to his wife’s and kid's place and are living a good life. He is a male and his wife had unreasonable family support instead of affair. And I also know someone where in the divorce situation the wife’s family didn't support their daughter, which has forced the couple to create good life for their only child and themselves. I bet her family truly loves her and cares for her. I would like to add to my previous comments that after all helping him is not that bad an idea. At least it will give the opportunity to his wife and kids to live a good life. The more mess both of you create in the divorce process, that much more beautiful life his wife and kid will live. Both of you will live a loser’s life and the kid will suffer.

I know a couple who have been to his wife’s and kid's place and are living a good life. He is a male and his wife had unreasonable family support instead of affair.

And I also know someone where in the divorce situation the wife’s family didn't support their daughter, which has forced the couple to create good life for their only child and themselves. I bet her family truly loves her and cares for her.

]]> By: Jim, Memphis, TN http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/2009/04/01/funding-your-married-boyfriends-divorce/#comment-14251 Jim, Memphis, TN Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:36:52 +0000 http://moneyfeatures.blogs.money.cnn.com/?p=560#comment-14251 Fine. Discuss the issues you would suggest considering. Attempting to imposing your value system on another by labeling it as "right" is, in my view, highly unethical. My view is an opinion, as is yours. Neither of is qualified to issue judgment. Fine. Discuss the issues you would suggest considering. Attempting to imposing your value system on another by labeling it as "right" is, in my view, highly unethical.

My view is an opinion, as is yours. Neither of is qualified to issue judgment.

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